What I know about grief
And things to try while in the Underworld
One of the emails I got last week simply read, “Dear Michelle, please help us with our grief.”
If you are one of the 70-or-so million people who voted for Kamala Harris for POTUS, you’ve probably been anywhere from flirting with grief to being trapped in a washing machine with it for the past week.
While there are no “stages” of grief, it does change and can take on many different qualities.
I think it’s helpful to talk a little bit about grief because it can help us understand our experience. It can help to name what’s happening.
What I know about grief in bite-size pieces
. . .
Grief can feel like:
Sadness
Disbelief
Shock
Confusion
Anger
Rage
Hopelessness
Loneliness
Fear
Regret
Uncertainty
Insecurity
Numbness
Any of these feelings — and any other feelings you might have — are normal.
. . .
Grief is often a spiral of forgetting and remembering, slipping into a “before” reality and then being hit with the truth of the loss or the pain again. Often over and over. This is normal.
. . .
Grief comes in waves and often includes moments of feeling assured and confident that everything will be ok. The underside of that crashing wave can feel like utter darkness and hopelessness. This is normal.
. . .
It’s easy for griefs and losses in different parts of our lives to dogpile together into one huge consuming and insurmountable loss. This is normal.
. . .
Both your immunity and your cognitive function are suppressed in grief. This is normal.
. . .
Your body might hurt — pain in old injuries, stiffness and aches. This is normal.
. . .
What have you been experiencing in your grief? (Whatever it is, it’s normal.)
Hit reply or leave a comment.
What to do with my grief?
As I said, there are no predictable or linear stages (this is important to remember). However, grief does change.
While there’s no right way to grieve… and you have surely been finding your way for the past week… here are some ideas that I’ve used in my work with people who are on Underworld journeys.
. . .
Feel the feelings. I know it’s cliché. But it’s still true. Pushing your feelings down or gaslighting yourself will only make it more intense and eventually backfire as stress in your body, yelling at the dog or disengaging from life.
. . .
At the same time, titrate. Take breaks from news and social. Take breaks from grieving. It’s ok to read a novel, watch a movie, laugh with a friend.
. . .
Move your body. It will help your immunity, the achyness. E-motions are meant to move.
. . .
Also for your immunity: Take extra care of yourself in healthy and kind ways. Drink water, eat whole foods, sleep, rest. Yes, it’s that basic.
. . .
Be patient with your brain — you may forget things, you may feel overwhelmed. Be your own kindest friend.
. . .
If you think you might have one big pile of loss, it can be helpful to tease each hurt/loss apart and see them separately – through writing, in therapy or in any other self-healing/knowledge practice.
. . .
Go to nature. She’s seen it all. Lean against a tree, touch the dirt. This is where we come from and go back to — all of us. Feel your larger sense of home.
. . .
Stay in touch with your dreams and goals. Do not let this strip you of your aspirations. If anything, use it as fuel to make and enjoy beauty, deepen your relationships and invest in yourself.
. . .
Let your grief have meaning and purpose (when the time is right… don’t rush this). Specific to this election — what can you do?
What are your deepest values?
Where can you donate or volunteer?
What’s right outside your front door?
Who are you giving your money to + where are you shopping?
Who do you want to support and empower with your attention, time and dollars?
Yes, these things matter.
. . .
Lastly, know that whatever your experience, it’s valid. Not that worried? Good. Still having crying spells? It’s ok.
One thing that really helps me is remembering that humans are terrible at predicting the future. Even when things seem certain. Even when threats or promises have been made. Our brains catastrophize. And while horrible things happen, they are often not the ones we’ve been worrying about. (Don’t get me wrong, I have been mostly terrified every time I think about the election.)
As I said when I shared the Grounding Practice last week, we will continue to care for each other, show up for what matters and do our own inner work to make the world a better place.
~
If there is a way I can support you — your physical or emotional health — please reach out.
~
Sending love in all directions,
Michelle
SACRAMENTO: Last in-person workshop of the year
What’s the best way to breathe?
Should we breathe like babies do?
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What is a ‘natural’ breath?
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If you are preparing to have a hysterectomy, you may have talked to friends, done some research or even found a support group. I did all of these, and still, there were things no one told me about what to expect or how to get ready.
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